I’m an avid believer in the five-second rule. Why waste a perfectly good cookie just because it fell on the floor? Why let a bagel go to waste just because you dropped it? Why throw out a slice of pizza just because it landed on the carpet? Pick it up as fast as possible before you count to five, and you’re fine. No harm done.

There is, however, one exception to the five-second rule: it does not apply on the MBTA. Ever. Even if your food fell on the floor for a millisecond, you still do not eat it, under any circumstances. Especially in the height of flu season.

To this little kid who didn’t know that the five-second rule was null and void on the T: may God have mercy on your soul.