I often wonder why nobody listens to me. I’ve got countless opinions on music and film, science and religion. I could teach a Master’s course on the philosophical teachings of George Costanza. How long must my genius go unrecognized? My thoughts, my ideas, they must have value in this world. They just must.
They do. They’re worth about 14 bucks. Hey, don’t laugh. Yours probably aren’t worth much more. In today’s world, the only real way to measure the worth of one’s thoughts is to gauge their Twitter presence. That’s where What’s My Twitter Account Worth comes in. Twitter, more than anything, is your Internet brain. It represents your endless stream of consciousness. Simply, you are what you tweet (copyrighting that as we speak, don’t steal it).
I was discouraged to learn that my Twitter account (and therefore my entire way of thinking) is only worth $14. So I decided to find out how I stacked up with some of Boston’s notable tweeters based on the sneaky science employed by the aforementioned Twitter evaluator.
Here’s what I found out about some of the athletes, writers, musicians, fictional characters and media outlets of Boston (and the Bostinno staff of course):
The Boston Globe: @BostonGlobe – $10,257
I kind of expected a stronger showing from the city’s best-known newspaper. Then again, the newspaper biz has been a bit reluctant to embrace this whole Internet thing…
The Boston Herald: @BostonHerald – $5,328
Daww, da wittle bwuva of da Gwobe worth a wittle less on Twitter. Dawww.
The Boston Phoenix: @BostonPhoenix – $8,185
I got my feet wet as an intern here. I got nothing but love for the guys and gals at the Phoenix.
Toucher and Rich: @ToucherAndRich – $12,067
The only good thing that came out of the Super Bowl was Rich asking Madonna if Alex Rodriguez had a picture of himself as a centaur in his home.
Steven Tyler: @IamStevenT – $140,061
Settle down there, big mouth. Aerosmith is overrated and you look like an old catcher’s mitt, all leathery and wrinkled.
John Cena: @JohnCena – $655,922
I don’t know if this money is real. I don’t understand how you could actually sell your Twitter page. But John Cena, famous for fake fighting stands to make a lot of fake money.
Randy Moss: @DaRealOtisMoss – $17,270
Obviously not from Massachusetts, but he’s the man and one of the cooler dudes to rock a Pats jersey. His Twitter loot is chump change compared to his real green. Straight cash.
Conan O’Brien: @ConanObrien – $2,490,940
Of the two really famous late night talk show hosts from the area, well, this one is infinitely funnier. I have a degree in journalism, so that’s an objective fact, not my opinion.
Bill Simmons: @SportsGuy33 – $813,005
Why’d ya move to LA, Bill?
Dave Portnoy: @StoolPresidente – $25,453
Twenty-five thou? K.O. that with your megaphones.
Mark Wahlberg: @Mark_Wahlberg – $43,144
Mahky Mahk, dood, stop letting people think everyone in Bahston talks like a jerk off. Nothing has ever been more exaggerated than the Boston accent in recent films.
Occupy Boston: @Occupy_Boston – $11,269
In terms of Twitter, you guys are the 1%. I’m sitting over here with my 14 dollars and you’re just roaming around with a cool 11 grand.
Rob Gronkowski: @RobGronkowski – $119,137
I hope your ankle feels better Gronk. I’ve nothing to say here other than that. Not enough time has passed since… ugh, nevermind.
Wes Welker: @WesWelker – $135,121
Chad Ochocinco: @Ochocinco – $1,623,337
Seriously? No more Patriots. He’s kind of an exception because A) he was hardly on the team and B) My dude is a social media ninja
Peter Griffin: @PeterGriffin – $23,756
Yes, the fictitious patriarch of the Griffin family.
Denis Leary: @DenisLeary – $102,195
I saw the first four seasons of Rescue Me, but have no access to the last three. The show kinda sucks, but I’m too far in to stop now. If anyone can help me finish, hit me up.
Mayor Menino: @MayorTomMenino – $4,538
Atta boy, Mumbles. I bet he’d have more, but he tweets like he talks.
Mitt Romney: @MittRomney – $166,466
I know he’s not from Massachusetts, but he’s shaping his presidential campaign based on accomplishments made while the governor of Massachusetts.
And I know I promised you the Bostinno team, so here are my comrades on the writing staff, listed in order of whose thoughts are the most valuable to whose are absolutely worthless. I’ve also included the Bostinno handle.
Bostinno: @BostInnovation – $6,540
Greg Gomer: @sliggity – $704
Ryan Durling: @Ryan_Durling – $406
Lisa Decanio: @Lisa_Decanio – $402
Lauren Landry: @LaurLandry – $400
Walter Frick: @WFrick – $288
Dave Eisenberg: @Dave_Ize – $14