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In case you missed it, and you probably did because it was published in the Baltimore Sun, but our neighbors to the north have come up with a list of 100 reasons why Baltimore is a better city than Washington D.C.   While that’s an adorably quaint idea, it’s kind of like comparing Toledo, Ohio to San Francisco.  I mean seriously, Baltimore is really just a bunch of burnt down buildings surrounding a harbor, right?

At any rate, we decided to go point for point with their list.  Their reasons have been bolded, ours speak for themselves.

  1. Our Circulators are free.  But D.C.’s cost $1, because of course they do.  Yes, but ours aren’t scary.
  2. We may have a lot of rats, but the majority of them don’t go into politics.  Yup, comparing basic hygiene and quality of life to political scandals, you really got us there B-more.
  3. Also, our rats could beat the crap out of D.C. rats.  At least according to the Washington Post.  Again, congratulations on your massive rats, but it’s gotta kind of suck to rely on the Washington Post for your info.
  4. Obama’s favorite TV show is ‘The Wire’.  But Obama lives in… DC.  And the Wire, the show about horrible crime and poverty, takes place in… Baltimore.
  5. We don’t start conversations by asking, “What do you do?” or “Who do you work for.”  D.C. has really fun jobs– lots of positions in politics, fun start-ups, and international NGOs.  You guys can work at Baltimore Gas and Electric.
  6. Chris Davis.  I don’t know who that is, because I have better things to do with my time than watch baseball.
  7. Also, Chris Davis doesn’t have a brohawk.  Bryce Harper, stop.  That’s a clown comment, bro.
  8. We can buy a row house for $100k less.  Ya, but it’s in Baltimore.
  9. Points to D.C. for having the 9:30 Club, one of the best venues for live music on the East Coast… where our bands Animal Collective, Wye Oak, Beach House and Dan Deacon bring in your money.  Yup, because we totally couldn’t rely on D.C.-bred artists like Marvin Gaye, Roberta Flack, Ginuwine, Chuck Brown, Bad Brains, Thievery Corporation, Minor Threat, Henry Rollins, Fugazi, Wale, Asheru, and the entire genre of Moombahton to bring in money to the city.
  10. Lacrosse, yo. Lacrosse.  I have no clue what they’re talking about, but who cares, it’s about lacrosse and the Baltimore Sun.
  11. When we have to go through a traffic circle here, we never get the bizarre, unhelpful GPS instruction to ‘make the ninth left.’  Ya, that’s probably because somebody stole your GPS.  See #79.
  12. It never takes us 45 minutes to go six miles.  It sounds like the poor tourist who wrote this didn’t understand how the Washington Metro works (which is so easy it can be diagrammed in crayon). Oh, that’s because they don’t have one. Unless you count the pitiful Baltimore Metro Subway, which I don’t.
  13. D.C.’s happy hour is regular price to us.  Which is good, because you really have to be black-out drunk to put up with a single night in Baltimore.
  14. We may have plotted to kill Abraham Lincoln en route to his inauguration in 1861, but a few years later, D.C. actually did it.  What can I say, our planning and execution is better than yours.
  15. ‘The Real World’ and “The Real Housewives’ didn’t film their worst seasons here. Also, ‘The Real World’ and ‘The Real Housewives’ didn’t film here at all. Reality shows jumped the shark in 2009 anyway.They film there because the real thing is already happening here.
  16. Our signature food is crab cakes and pit beef.  D.C. has … yeah.  D.C. has blood pressure and obesity rates that are NOT jaw dropping.  Enjoy a side of heart attack with your mayonnaise cakes and whatever the hell pit beef is.
  17. Natty Boh. What’s that, D.C.? Don’t have your own old-school beer — you know, like Pabst or even Schlitz? That’s sad. Ya, but we do have awesome beers that are actually drinkable, like: D.C. Brau, Chocolate City and Capitol City, which all make Natty Boh look like the piss water it is.
  18. We always know someone who knows someone who has an awesome rooftop deck.  We always know someone who knows someone who knows the f*cking President of the United States. Go suck an egg.
  19. We embrace our quirkiness.  And celebrate the quirkiness of our neighbors.  What the hell does that even mean? Also, have you BEEN to H St?
  20. Waiting in line for an hour for a damn cupcake?!  You’re joking, right? Only tourists eat at Georgetown Cupcake– probably a few from Baltimore actually.  Real Washingtonians are down the street at Baked and Wired making fun of the idiots in line.
  21. TV shows being filmed here right now: ‘House of Cards’ (above) and ‘Veep.’ Recent TV shows filmed in D.C.: TLC’s ‘Randy to the Rescue.’ They film there because it’s not an inconvenience to the people who run the country’s government to shut down an entire block to film.  Besides, all those shows are about D.C. anyway.
  22. With its red bricks and open spaces, Oriole Park at Camden Yards gives us a big hug. Nationals Park, all concrete, metal and glass, gives a cold shoulder to D.C.  Who cares about hugs and shoulders? We just got the best craft beers in the area stocked at Nats Park, excuse us while we get piss drunk on delicious brew in our ‘cold shoulder’ baseball field.
  23. We don’t have to pick a fight with another city to make ourselves feel better.  Am I crazy or did B Magazine just publish an article called ‘100 reasons why Baltimore is better than D.C.’?
  24. We were the nation’s capital before D.C. was. So was Annapolis. So was Philadelphia, for that matter. Sorry you were the nation’s ‘ex capitals’ before the country decided to lock us down for keeps, guess you all weren’t up to snuff.
  25. We can afford our rent. And we don’t have to live with seven 20-somethings to do so. Location, location, location. We don’t mind paying a little more to live a few blocks from the White House.
  26. Our traffic doesn’t lead to clinical depression. No, but living in Baltimore does.
  27. Old Bay makes everything better.  People used to say the same thing about cigarettes. And then butter.
  28. Our dive bars are actual dive bars — not what a corporation thinks a dive bar should look like.  Have you been to Bottom Line or Wonderland Ballroom?
  29. Salmon is something we eat, not a pants color flooding our streets.  Real men wear pink.
  30. For us, tourist season doesn’t come with the risk of being run over by endless Segway tours.  Wait, I was unaware that Baltimore had a tourist season– since when did Baltimore get tourists?
  31. Buck Showalter’s scowl is the real national treasure.  The dog that lives on 1600 Penn Avenue is more famous than Buck Showalter.
  32. We don’t value someone based on how much they spent on a suit.  What can we say, we’re important people.  We have to look good.
  33. We’re the birthplace of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” ‘Murica!  You’re also the birthplace of America’s worst STD epidemics.
  34. We have Arabbers. And we love them so much, we devoted a mural project to them. And hopefully a museum.  What the hell is an Arabbers?  It sounds vaguely racist.
  35. We can get reservations at our restaurants. Mmm.  TGI Fridays.
  36. The Dundalk Riviera. Serving up serious people-watching year-round. The National Mall, serving up serious attractive people-watching year-round.
  37. The Miracle on 34th Street always lives up to its name. D.C. lights a tree. By tree, you mean the National Christmas Tree that represents the country’s collective Christmas spirit?
  38. Duckpin bowling. The superior form of bowling.  Christ, bowling?  Who the hell bowls?
  39. We have John Waters. And we’ll always have him.  Who the hell is John Waters?  You can have him.
  40. Chances are, we know someone with a boat. And they’re having a party on the water next weekend and of course we can come. Chances are, we know someone who’s been on TV– and in case you didn’t realize, we have boats here too.
  41. The Halloween Lantern Parade in Patterson Park. Magic.  Halloween in Dupont, scantily-clad twenty somethings. Magic.
  42. We weren’t built on a swamp.  Washington turned a swamp into a thriving city, Baltimore turned a perfectly good piece of land into, well, Baltimore.
  43. D.C. has Eastern Market. We have six public markets. All of them are great.  Eastern Market is also a neighborhood, but clearly the majority of our neighborhoods have more going for them than just the markets that happen to be held there.
  44. You rarely meet someone who has lived in D.C. for five years. We can walk down our streets and meet someone who has lived here for 50 years. Moving to new places is fun, plus variety is the spice of life.
  45. The Kinetic Sculpture Race. The Smithsonian: That little place where they house artifacts from science’s greatest breakthroughs. But that Kinetic Sculpture race sounds cute though.
  46. Berger cookies always turn around a bad day. Instantly. We have Golden Brown Delicious, AKA fried chicken and doughnuts.
  47. We don’t try too hard.  That’s incredibly obvious.
  48. Baltimore club music.  Sucks.  There, I said it. Plus we made Moombahton.
  49. Back-to-back weeks, we had BronyCon and Otakon. And you’re proud of this? The only cool thing you did was triple the number of virgins in the city overnight.
  50. None of this fancy wedding cake stuff. Our brides and grooms keep it real (and superior, dessert-wise) with Dangerously Delicious pies.  Nothing says love like a wedding pie and a shotgun.
  51. They really are dangerously delicious. Really guys, it’s just a pie.
  52. Cal Ripken is 2,632 times better than any D.C. sports figure. RGIII will forever be infinitely more athletic than Cal Ripken.
  53. D.C.’s bars close at 3 a.m. Nothing good ever happens at 3 a.m.  Except for drinking, mingling, having a good time, and potentially getting laid. All things Baltimore isn’t terribly keen on, so I understand their negative sentiment.
  54. D.C.’s biggest party celebrates a bunch of cherry blossoms. Ours is the largest free outdoor arts fest, Artscape, where people actually, like, have talent and make stuff. 350k people go to Baltimore for Artscape, while 700k people go to D.C. for some stupid flowers– seems like they’re coming for more than just the festival.
  55. Our literary icons are not only geniuses, but sassy. And they were often drunk but still capable of genius things. They’re referring to Edgar Allen Poe, who is actually from Boston– but nice try.
  56. “Get In On It” may be a vague city slogan, but at least we’re not making promises we can’t keep. Right, “Justice for All”?  Haha! “Get In On It” is the stupidest city slogan I’ve ever heard! Sounds like the catchphrase from a 90’s cartoon character.
  57. The Raven, an intellectual literary allusion. The Redskin, an antiquated racial epithet.  Your team is named after a flying rat.
  58. Barbara Mikulski: Who wants some?  I know he’s just a city councilman now, and she’s a senator, but I’d love to watch her and Marion Barry go at it.
  59. D.C. has the Caps. Three words: Baltimore Lingerie League. Would you rather pay to watch grown men or scantily clad women duke it out?  So Redskins is an antiquated racial epithet, but this misogynistic, trashy crap that is the lingerie league is celebrated.  You might have won this one, Baltimore.
  60. In a zany hometown celebrity battle royale, bet that John Waters and Frank Zappa would creep the crazy right out of Dave Chappelle and Bill Nye the Science Guy, two to one.  Henry Rollins, end of story.
  61. Oh, D.C. has the Ruby Slippers? We have the following museums: Baltimore Tattoo, American Visionary Arts, National Dentistry, National Great Blacks in Wax … shall we go on?  We have a few of the most rare dinosaur skeletons on Earth, some of the most legendary equipment in avionics history, and the most priceless gem on the planet. You guys have a museum about dentists.
  62. Our mayor is hotter. Ya, but ours runs a prosperous city, yours just looks hot.
  63. Politics, schmolitics. We take important things seriously, like our beer: Heavy Seas, Flying Dog, Resurrection, Union Craft Brewing. See response to number 84.
  64. Fine, D.C. is the home of our government. But we’re the home of crab cakes. And snowballs. And window screen painting. And we invented David Hasselhoff. Crab cakes suck, snowballs are basically piles of ice with syrup dripped on it, window screen painting is weak, and David Hasselhoff cries when he eats a burger.
  65. Rap greatness toss-up here: Tupac, meet … Wale?  Uh, Tupac lived in Baltimore for two years between New York and San Francisco– nice try guys.
  66. There’s zero chance any of us might have to live in the orbital rings of Chris Christie.  That’s true.  Like most of the world, Christie is almost sure to skip right over Baltimore for somewhere better.
  67. Way to steal our basketball team and then replace the intimidating Bullets franchise with the completely terrifying Wizards brand. First off, your basketball team left because D.C. had more to offer.  Secondly, ‘bullets’ just seems so perfect for Baltimore…
  68. Our food trucks have officially beaten yours, two years in a row. Shout out to The Gypsy Queen. We don’t have to drive to get to a food truck.
  69. The first lady has a vegetable garden? Cute. We’ve been turning vacant lots into community gardens and parks. On a regular basis.  This argument would work if your entire city wasn’t turning into one, big, empty lot.
  70. Our cult films: “Hairspray,” “Diner,” “Step Up.” D.C.’s cult films: “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” and “Dave.” Right. Really? Step Up is your cult film?
  71. Natty Boh or Thomas Jefferson as a roadside icon? Only one of those guys can get you drunk.  Yup, all we have is the guy who wrote the Declaration of Independence, launched the exploration of the West Coast, and organized the Louisiana Purchase. Aw shucks.
  72. D.C. elected Marion Barry 56 times. And counting. Just like a fine wine, Marion Barry only gets better with age.
  73. Our hookers don’t hide in high-priced hotels. What can I say, we have good taste in hookers?
  74. Note to D.C. athletes: You show your Baltimore pride every time you put on anything Under Armour. Keep it up.  Note to Baltimore: If you exercised in your Under Armour a little more, you might not be the 8th fattest city in America.
  75. We raised Sisqo, the voice of the glorious “Thong Song.” And the rest of us wished you’d have kept him.
  76. “Baltimore is warm but pleasant … I belong here, where everything is civilized and gay and rotted and polite.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald.  I can’t denounce the man’s genius, but he looks like my grandmother.
  77. A town overflowing with sweaty, insolent interns whining all day about walking from the Capitol to other Congressional buildings? Sounds rough. A town that inspired The Wire?  Ya, I’ll take a type-A intern trying to jumpstart their career over being forced to stroll around in America’s 9th most dangerous city any day.
  78. We don’t care what college anyone went to. We’re the most educated city in the country.
  79. Jenna Bush moved here. So we stole her bike. Wow, celebrating crime?
  80. We’re pretty sure more people watched Ray Lewis’ final game on TV than Obama’s second inauguration. The fact that people in your city care more about an aging double-murderer than the elected leader of their country and the free world says a lot about your priorities.
  81. Church of Scientology? Not here.  Baltimore isn’t even appealing to a crazy cult.
  82. Paddleboats on the Potomac? How quaint. We have water taxis and high-speed boat tours. Um…cool?
  83. Our chance of seeing Michael Phelps out with his bros on any given night? 1 in 4. Wow, a dude who swims fast and eats the caloric equivalent to a family of four.  Have fun.
  84. Mo’Nique can single-handedly kick D.C.’s collective a–. Bring it on, we’ve got Samuel L. Jackson to defend us. That’s right, snakes on a mother f*ckin’ plane.
  85. Stacy Keibler’s legs were born here. And lucky for her those legs got her a ticket out of Baltimore.
  86. The statue of Divine in the American Visionary Art Museum can beat up the statue of Andrew Jackson (and his horse) in Lafayette Square. Baltimore seems to really like beating things up.
  87. No one messes with a Hon.  I don’t know what that means.
  88. “Going to live at Baltimore laid the foundation, and opened the gateway, to all my subsequent prosperity.” — Frederick Douglass.  But all that prosperity happened in… Washington D.C.
  89. Our lives aren’t ruined when a metro line is late. You have a metro system?
  90. Also, our subway is almost never crowded. Of course it’s not, it doesn’t go anywhere.
  91. The Redskins last won the Super Bowl in 1991. Also in 1991, the Gulf War began. Also the year the Soviet Union collapsed.
  92. The Ouija Board: Baltimore’s most useful invention. Enough said.
  93. John Harbaugh can beat his own brother and still look utterly charming doing so. Only people in Baltimore can find charm in a beating.
  94. Our football stadium is actually in our city. We’ve got a lot of stadiums to fit in a small space.
  95. We use common courtesy. Like striking up conversations with people. Or, you know, smiling.  Or, you know, acquitting a football player of double homicide.
  96. We don’t need to dress to impress every day. Comfort is key. Not going to apologize for having to wear a power suit.
  97. The NATIONAL Aquarium: Not in the nation’s capital.  The NATIONAL everything else: Not in Baltimore.
  98. The British came to D.C. and burned it down during the War of 1812. The British came here and we stopped them from taking over the country. You’re welcome, America. Ya, but we’re getting two giant Raytheon blimps to protect us.
  99. Our zoo animals don’t run away. If I had the option of hanging out in a zoo or exploring Baltimore, I wouldn’t run away either.
  100. This list was not hard to make. It shows.

Editor’s Note [3:30 pm]: As we get more emails and comments pouring in about this post (both supportive and critical), we wanted to clarify that clearly the Sun’s original piece was meant to be both light-hearted and irreverent in nature; which is what the tone of this article was meant to mimic. We can all agree that D.C. has more than its fair share of poverty, social inequity, and crime issues (including problems some can argue are worse than those in Baltimore), so don’t get too angry as this was meant to be a joke– we love you Baltimore.  Besides, we can all agree that at the very least, we’re better than Philly.