It is the human condition, whenever something terribly tragic occurs, for us to question ‘how?’ In the case of the monstrous 1.3 mile wide tornado that tore through Moore, Oklahoma on Monday afternoon, many of us know the answer. A major thunderstorm creates an organized area of wind rotation which is then pulled to the ground by heavy rainfall, creating the “twister”. For others, the cause of a tornado is much more…imaginative.

To the hate- filled broken record known as the Westboro Baptist Church, the Oklahoma tornadoes were created by God because he is angry at Jason Collins. That’s right, the Washington Wizards Center doesn’t just shoot free throws, but apparently creates tornadoes in his spare time. Collins made headlines earlier this year for coming out as gay, a first for the NBA. Westboro’s leader Fred Phelps Jr. tweeted a slew of theories that Oklahoma was being punished for America’s support of Collins.

Unfortunately for Phelps, the “natural disasters are caused by the gays” slogan is so 2012. Conservative talk show host Alex Jones wins this round for most creative tornado explanation: the government created the Midwestern storm by using “weather weapons”

For those of you who don’t know/actually believe in nature, weather weapons are a non-substantiated theory that the US government has tools that can manipulate and even create weather systems and storms, and uses this technology secretly to punish dissidents and drum up political support.

This far out theory stems from the very real High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, which studies the ionosphere in the hopes of better understanding communications and surveillance systems. This program is funded by the US Air Force and Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which means it obviously must be an evil plot to crush the people and erect an Obama dictatorship. Or, if you are a liberal pansy you could think, “hey this agency brought us the Internet, the most free and equalizing technology in human history, maybe they’re the good guys”.

So there you have it, three different explanations for you to choose from to explain the cause of tornadoes: spinning wind, homosexuals, or weather weapons. But this is America! I want more options! What about the aliens? What about the Chinese government? There has to be more to this! I want to hear your theories people. Let me know in the comments section, where do you think tornadoes come from?